EXPLANATORY REMARKS UPON THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY; WHEREIN, The MORALS and POLITICS of this PIECE are clearly laid open, By JEREMIAH KUNASTROKIUS, M. D.
"By way of MOTTO"
ANONYMOUS.
LONDON:
Printed for E. CABE in
Ave-mary-Lane, Ludgate-street.
MDCCLX.
EXPLANATORY REMARKS UPON THE LIFE and OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY.
CHAP. I.
IT is the misfortune of all
great
writers, to put pen to paper so fast, and let their imaginations carry them away in such a hurry, that they seldom consider whether their readers comprehensions will be able to gallop after them post-haste, without being out of breath, to the end of the first chapter, even tho' it should not contain above a dozen lines. And it is as great an error in judgment, — nay, worse than that which
Byng
was shot for, to put too much wit in any production that is intended for universal reading — I say, universal reading: for, besides the opinion of one of the greatest writers of this or the last age, I cannot say which,
"that a reader should have as much wit as the author he reads, to understand him;"
—which I flatter myself is seldom the case. I speak as an author, and therefore should be allowed a little vanity: I say, besides this generally received doctrine, how can we tell what different kinds of wit prevail with all the readers in the universe; — to go no further than the antipodes, it is a thousand to one, whether they would understand a
pun,
or the best
bon-mot
in all
Tristram Shandy
: — and for aught I can tell, in the moon, and some other of the illiterate planets, they may have exploded every kind of true wit mentioned by Addison. It is evidently for this reason, that in most of the periodical works, which are reckoned
universal,
and particularly the magazines, we are very seldom troubled with any thing but plain good sense, the best method of making water-gruel, and fattening of capons; which may be of use, and understood all over the world.
CHAP. II.
MY good friend, and arch companion Mr.
Tristram Shandy, gentlemen,
who makes such honourable mention of my learned father, the celebrated doctor
Kunastrokius,
of physical memory
Vide pag. 23, vol. I.
has fallen into this very mistake that I have just been mentioning; and, by a certain subtility of thinking, and quaintness of expression, the beauties and excellencies of his work, may not only be passed over by many of the inhabitants of
Asia-minor, Monomotapa,
some of the Mickmacs, Cherokees, and Catawbas, but, at least, by seven hundred and fifty of the inhabitants of
London,
and
Westminster,
the
Borough of Southwark,
and parts adjacent.
This computation, which I did not make myself, may appear at first, somewhat too exact, but the reader may be persuaded I have it from the best authority, —
my printer,
who assures me, I cannot sell more or less than that number: I own I was at first of another opinion, and therefore ordered him to print twenty thousand; but he soon convinced me of my mistake, by the cartloads of waste-paper in his shop, so that I now set down to write for the seven hundred and fifty
incomprehensible readers
of
Tristram Shandy,
in and about the purlicus of this metropolis, — and
no other.
CHAP III.
TO them be it known, then, that Mr.
Tristram Shandy
is one of the greatest moralists, and most refined politicians this, or any other age whatever has produced.
CHAP. IV.
BEFORE we enter upon the illustration of these
round assertions,
it will be necessary to point out the qualifications of a moralist. He should have a fundamental knowledge of
ethics,
or that science which fixes the oeconomy and conduct of human Life, that teaches the regulation of the passions, and instructs men to be happy, by practising all the social virtues. He should know how to adapt these rules to the various subjects he treats of, and point out such evident and uncontrovertable conclusions in favour of morality, as every unbiassed reader must be sensible of the effect.
CHAP. V.
A Moralist has generally one, two, three, four, five, six, and sometimes more things in view. Those of the singular number, write for writing's sake: those of the first plural number, invert the rule of oeconomy,
"a penny saved is a penny got,"
and think, that in getting a penny, they do more than save one they have not, — so that they make writing and eating go hand in hand. The triple number have generally some new moral doctrine to broach, and, with the two former con-committants, add, that of self-opiniated public service. Then come the controvertists to these, and the recontrovertists, with their answers, replies, and rejoinders,
ad infinitum.
———But, before I launch out any further in the definition of a moral writer, I must inform my
seven hundred and fifty readers
that Mr.
Tristram Shandy
is not among any of these classes. — He stands by himself upon the top shelf of ethics, — tho' but
in twelves, —unrivalled, — inimitable,
— and (to my seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers)
incomprehensible.
He must, therefore, be more fully explained than any of the foregoing moralists, — and, for that reason, I allow him best part of the following sheets for his public defence to
the moral world.
CHAP. VI.
THE first evident mark of Mr.
Tristram
's morals (which indeed is no farther than the third page) is what he puts into his mother's mouth upon his father's
regularity
in winding up the house clock.
Regularity
every one knows is the corner-stone of virtue—and virtue is the foundation of morality— Thus far, then, Mr.
Shandy
goes on in a moral track to give us the history of his anti-birth.
But what does the winding up of the clock allude to—and how comes it this thought always entered his mother's head once a month? This he very naturally accounts for by an assemblage of ideas, according to Locke; and whatever it may want in
decency,
he very notably makes up by sound philosophy and his
little men
Homunculus
singular,
Homunculi
plural.
in embrio—according to the oeconomy of human life, and consistant with moral duties.
CHAP. VII.
IT would be difficult for me, and tedious for my readers, to trace Mr.
Tristram Shandy
through every part of his moral character: I shall therefore confine myself to such traits as are the most striking (tho' not self-evident) and least understood.
Among these the following passage seems next to claim our attention.
"The rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in case of danger, before it is born; but upon this proviso, that some part or other of the child's body be seen by the baptiser: but the doctors of the Sorbonne, by deliberation, held amongst them April 10, 1733, have enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, that though no part of the child's body should appear, — that baptism shall nevertheless be administered to it by injection by means of a little squirt. 'Tis very strange that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mechanical head, both for tying and untying, the knots of school-divinity, should, after so much pains bestowed upon this—give up the point at last, as a thing impossible."
Here follows the question upon baptism, with the consultation of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereupon in French; but as Mr.
Shandy
has not favoured us with a translation, and as very likely some of my
incomprehensible
readers may not understand that language, I have rendered it in English.—Those of my readers, who (notwithstanding their
incomprehensibility
) have a smattering of the Gallican tongue, and fancy they comprehend the whole affair in the original, have nothing to do but skip to chapter 9, and fancy there is no such thing as chapter 8 in this
whole
book,—I mean
volume.
CHAP. VIII.
A Memorial presented to the doctors of the Sorbonne.
"A Surgeon and man-midwife represents to the gentlemen of the
Sorbonne,
that there are some cases, though very uncommon, wherein a mother cannot be delivered, and when even the child is so inclosed in the mother's womb, that no part of it's body appears, in which case, according to the rituals, baptism should be conferred to it, at least, upon conditions. The surgeon, who makes this representation, engages, by means of a syringe, to baptize immediately the child, without any way hurting the mother. The question he asks is, whether this method he proposes, is allowable and legal, and if he may follow it in a case parallel to that which he represents?"
The answer to the foregoing memorial:
"The council is of opinion, that the question proposed has many difficulties to be first removed. The theologists have on one side established a principle, that baptism, which is a spiritual birth, supposes a prior birth; we must be born into the world to be reborn in
Jesus Christ,
according to their doctrine. St.
Thomas,
part. 3. quaest. 88. article 11. follows this opinion as an established fact: we cannot (says that holy doctor) baptize children which are inclosed in their mothers wombs. By this St. Thomas means these children are not born, and therefore cannot be reckoned amongst other men: from whence he infers they cannot be the object of an external action, to receive thereby the sacraments necessary to salvation: Pueri in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodicerunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant, unde non possunt subjici actioni humanae, ut per corum ministerum sacramenta recipiant ad salutem. The rituals enforce the practice of what theoligists have regulated upon those heads and they unanimously prohibit the baptising of children which are inclosed in their mothers wombs, if no part of their bodies appears. The concurrence of the theologists and the rituals, which are the rules of the diocesses, seems to establish an authority necessary to answer the present quesstion: however, the council of conscience, considering on the one hand, that the reasonings of the theologists is entirely founded upon their desire of conformity, and that the prohibition of the rituals, supposes, that children so inclosed, cannot be baptized in their mothers wombs, which is against the present supposition; and, on the other hand, considering that the same theologians teach, that the Sacraments which
Jesus Christ
has established, as the easy, but necessary means of sanctifying man, may be hazarded; and besides, supposing that children inclosed in their mothers wombs are capable of salvation, as they are liable to damnation; upon these considerations, and having an eye to the memorial, wherein it is assured, that a certain method is found out, of baptizing children thus inclosed, without occasioning the least prejudice to the mother; the council imagines, that the means proposed may be made use of, in the belief that God has not left this kind of children without any resource, and supposing, according to the representation, that the means there proposed are porper to procure them baptism, nevertheless, as by authorizing the proposed practice, a rule universally established must be cancelled, the council thinks, that the memoralist should make application to his bishop, whose province it is to judge of the utility and danger of the method proposed, and as (under the direction of the bishop) the council thinks that recourse should be had to the pope, in whom the right of explaining the laws of the church, and of derogating therefrom, where they cannot be executed, is invested: and, however ingenious and useful the manner of baptism here proposed may be, the council cannot give their approbation to it, without the concurrence of these two authorities. The memoralist is, at least, advised to apply to his bishop, and to inform him of the present decision, that in case the prelate should coincide with the reasons, whereupon the under-signed have founded their opinions, he may be authorized in cases of necessity, when too much time may be lost to ask permission, and have it granted, for following the method proposed, so advantageous to the child's salvation. The council has nothing further to add, than, that notwithstanding they believe this method may be pursued, are nevertheless of opinion, that in case the children in question should come into the world, contrary to the expectation of those who have used this method, it would be necessary to baptize them upon condition; and this is conformable to all the rituals, which in authorizing the baptism of a child, some part of whose body appears, enjoins at the same time, and orders it's baptism
upon condition,
in case it comes happily into the world."
Deliberated in the Sorbonne,
the 10th of April, 1733.
A. LE MOYNE, L. DE ROMIGNY, DE MARCILLY.
CHAP. IX.
I Suppose, by this time every one of my readers (French readers, or English readers) understands clearly and perspicuously, the representation or memorial of the French man-midwife, and the answer of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereto; and in this opinion too (before any English translation is given) Mr.
Tristram Shandy
gives his compliments to those doctors, in the following words,
"Mr.
Tristram Shandy
's compliments to Messrs.
Le Moyne, De Romigny
and
De Marcilly,
hopes they all rested well the night after so tiresome a consultation. — He begs to know, whether, after the ceremony of marriage, and before that of consummation, the baptizing all the HOMUNCULI at once, slap-dash, by injection, would not be a shorter and safer cut still; on condition, as above, that if the HOMUNCULI do well, and come safe into the world after this, that each and every of them shall be baptized again (on condition) —— and provided, in the second place, that the thing can be done, which Mr.
Shandy
apprehends it may, by means of a syringe, and without any prejudice to the father."
This, and the foregoing passages, are what I propose labouring hard to rescue from the claws of
moral
(though
pseudo) critics,
who would insinuate, that they are not only directly
inconsistent
with all morality, but evidently
antichristian.
As to you, my worthy (
though incomprehensible
) readers, I dare say, no such thoughts ever entered your brain, nor indeed how should they, for what immorality can there be in giving the substance of a
theological
dispute, especially when every thing that can possibly give offence is expressed in a foreign tongue?
The latter part of this conclusion, or query, or whatever you please to call it, I do not so much insist upon, as in that case I should share the guilt, if there were any, with my friend
Tristram Shandy,
for having exposed him in English. Therefore, having said
all I can say,
in defence of his morals and orthodoxy, in this respect, I beg you will conclude with me, that in this part he no way deviates from his general moral character.
This, I think, is reasoning (ay, and sound reasoning too) enough for one chapter — and so we proceed to the next.
CHAP. X.
THIS chapter, though entirely upon
modesty,
cannot properly be called a
modest chapter,
notwithstanding there is very little of the author's vanity in it: therefore any of my
seven hundred and fifty
readers (being females) may pass it over, if they chuse it, and my lazy readers in particular, (of either gender, the epicene not excluded) are carefully recommended to avoid it, as perhaps after all they will have occasion to recur to a dictionary, or be obliged to say their A, B, C, numerically before they understand it.
——
"Then it can be out of nothing in the world, quoth my uncle
Toby,
in the simplicity of his heart — but MODESTY.—My sister, I dare say, added he, does not care to let a man come so near her ****."
Vide p. 47. vol. 2.
One would be inclined to imagine, that a man of my friend
Tristram
's strict morals had concluded the sentence before the asterisms, and that they were a meer error of the press, though they had run through two editions, if he had not immediately after added:
—
"My sister, may hap," quoth my uncle
Toby,
"does not chuse to let a man come so near her ****, make this dash,—'tis an aposiopesis—Take the dash away, and write
backside
— 'tis bawdy. — Scratch backside out, and put cover'd way in,—'tis a metaphor;—and I dare say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle Toby's head, that if he had been left to have added one word to the sentence,—that word was it."
Vide p. 49. vol. 2.
Notwithstanding my strict reliance upon
Tristram
's veracity, and my great opinion of his uncle Toby's purity of expression, I cannot be induced to believe that his uncle Toby either said
backside, bawdy
or not
bawdy,
or was metaphorically inclined to express himself in a
covered way.
—Naked truth, I believe, he thought the best—four
asterisms
are but four
asterisms
— and ever since asterisms have been in use, we have always been taught that their number should be supplied by a like number of letters to make out the sense.
Curious, indefatigable, unblushing readers, consider what letters will properly supply the place, without infringing upon the sense.—Mind I have already exploded uncle
Toby
's "backside" and "covered way."—What do you think of head? there are but four letters in this word —Ay, but it will not do, it is quite
opposite
to the author's meaning.—
Arm
and
leg
have but three letters, and be hanged to them.—
Thigh
comes near it, but then there is a letter too many. —I have it—the
third,
the
twentieth,
the
thirteenth,
and the
nineteenth
letters of the English alphabet certainly compose the word, though it is not to be found in any Lexicon extant—I hope.
CHAP. XI.
THIS chapter I intend to devote entirely to
hobby horses.
A hobby-horse is a machine which boys (ay, and girls too) frequently sit astride upon, and which going up and down affords them much amusement.
Mr.
Tristram Shandy
's hobby-horse I take to be ****, (four asterisms) as explained Chap. X. and his favourite argument the
argumentum ad rem,
as he applies it in page 139, volume the 1st of his work.
My
hobby-horse
is a
goose quill,
upon which I have rode through life to this period, and by which I hope to get
hobby-horsically
to my journey's end without much fatigue.
N. B.
My hobby-horse never goes on so briskly as upon a journey of prescriptions and receipts—for, instead of paying upon the first road, I receive toll; and the last excursion I seldom make but for the sale of some young
hobby,
the offspring of my goose quill, which never stumbles without I meet with a lady, when I get out of the way of the two first syllables of my name, and canter on simple
Strokius
—though to be sure there is no more resemblance between a K and a C, than there is between my
hobby-horse
and a lady's
pad.
CHAP XII.
THE foregoing chapters will give my readers a very competent idea of Mr.
Tristram Shandy
's morality and religion; for though there may be some few slips of the pen, particularly where the four asterisms are left to supply the place of a word, the drift of this work evidently appears to be
moral
and
orthodox,
particularly the last, which is manifestly evinced by his scheme of baptizing,
slap dash
(to use his own words) all mankind, even before they are born, and thereby prevent any heretical, or schismatical opinions (except in matters of faith) whatever.
CHAP. XIII.
I AM now going to consider my friend
Tristram Shandy
as a politician— or rather, as he is considered by the greatest politicians of
Europe, Asia, Africa,
and
America.
This, it must be owned, is an arduous task; — but my title page is already printed, and I cannot deviate from it; but before I begin, I make this solemn protestation, that if any of the writers of our weekly political papers, either composed of a sheet and a half, to avoid the payment of duty, — or in the form of a journal, whereby a whole week's news is, besides a political essay, sucked in at the easy charge of two-pence half-penny, — or in the shape of a chronicle, where piracies do manifestly abound: — I say, if any printers, publishers, editors, compilers, writers, authors, — whether garetteers, first floorers, house keepers, chariot-keepers, shop-keepers, stall-keepers, or cellar-keepers — hawkers, and chapmen, do, in manifest opposition to this my will, dare to borrow, rob, steal, quote, cite, mention, hint —(except in my own genteel advertisement)
from, of,
or
that
—— there is such a book in
esse
as this present volume — I hereby declare solemnly —
I believe I shall prosecute them
; — and that I certainly will never give them, or either of them, respectively, a good introductory letter, or essay, or so much as a paragraph, or hint, concerning such things as no one else can be acquainted with but myself, — those are my
ideas
: nay, I furthermore declare, — I will never read, peruse,
run-over,
or look upon, in any light whatever, their papers,
&c. &c. &c.
respectively; — but give my opinion — which goes a great way (with
myself
) right or wrong, — and damn them all.
N. B.
Every part of this, and these foregoing chapters, extends to all the magazines (which I did intend to allot a chapter to enumerate) as well as the
reviews,
— without they make very favourable mention of me, and this my elaborate work.
CHAP. XIV.
A Politician is truly an amphibious animal, — and in England he is more inclined to the
herring
than the
monkey
; — it is quite otherwise in
France,
where it is more requisite for a professed politicans to have learnt to dance, than to have read
Machiavel,
for his arguments are better enforced by a
caper,
— a
pas grave,
or a
baloné,
than by the most Syllogistic logic of all the schools,
Un politique de Paris,
(that is, a Paris politician) enters a coffee room with a
pas de passe pié,
makes three
entrechae
at the front looking-glass, goes up to the group, tells them, with a significant air,
"nous F——ns bien le tour aux Anglois cette campaigne — ces fiers insulaires sauront, bien tôt faire respect au genie militaire de la France,"
"We shall play the devil with the
English
this campaign. Those haughty islanders will soon be taught to respect the military genius of
France.
"
—he cuts two capers and retires, whilst the multitude are admiring his profound knowledge of the interest of princes, and every one agrees, that
"Monsieur a bien raison," "the orator was quite in the right."
CHAP. XV.
IN
England,
every coffee-house has its president, who harrangues the circle that catch his opinions, and support them in their different districts. ——
"Why, Sir, I repeat it, what have we to do with continental connections? — Are not our ships, our floating bulwarks, our only protection? — Could the king of —, in return for all the assistance we have given him, have made such a diversion as the brave captain
Elliot
did, in St.
George
's channel?"
I say, Sir, would all the german princes put together, have defeated
Thurot?
"
Is
not our trade, and our navigation, the subject of this war, — and what is our navigation to the
inland parts of Germany?—trifling,
—I repeat it
very trifling.
And yet neglect the herring fishery, — that
Peruvian
sea-mine! and scarce pay any attention to those elaborate and well digested schemes of the great
Henriques!
"
—— The learned, deep sighted, clear witted, eloquent president of ——— coffee-house, after having made this
popular
and sagacious harrangue — laid hold of my worthy friend Mr.
Tristram Shandy,
—
"Here, (says he) here is the man after my own heart, — whose political notions are as clear and self-evident as my own. — There is the touchstone of public measures, — the whetstone of trade and navigation, and the grind-stone of malversation."
CHAP. XVI.
SOME of my incomprehensible readers may be greatly surprized, at finding themselves got into such unexpected good company and being conveyed, even without a passport (whilst we are in the midst of a war with
France
) from
London
to
Paris,
there dip into a political conversation with one of their greatest politicians; got back safe to
England,
without being put into the Bastile, for dissenting with him in his political opinions, and holding
French
faith,
French
generals,
French
admirals, as well as
French
minisers, in the highest contempt; then transported into one of our most oratorial coffee-houses, and become auditors to a second
Cicero,
and a third
Demosthenes.
All this shall be explained to you in a few words. — It was necessary — how else could I have illustrated my assertion, that a
politician
is an
amphibious animal?
— How else could I have demonstrated, that he has more of the monkey in him in
France,
and more of the
herring
in him in
England?
As to the Parisian, we dropt him a chapter or two ago, but we have not yet done with
Cicero
or
Demosthenes
(which ever you please to call him.) You shall have some more conversation with him presently; and take my word for it, he is, abstracted from oratory, a very shrewd, sensible fellow, and according to the common saying,
"sees as far into a mill-stone as another man."
CHAP. XVII.
IT may be necessary to inform some of my readers, that we are not yet got out of ——— coffee-house, in ——— street:—No—here we are yet, as attentive as ever to Mr.
Profound,
(that is the gentleman's name in the black full bottom wig, and the green spectacles) who has by this time thrown down a dish of coffee in enforcing his argument upon the
touch-stones, whet-stones,
and
grind-stones
; taken two pinches of snuff, and opened
Tristram Shandy
exactly at page 135.
"Was I an absolute prince, he would say, pulling up his breeches with both his hands, as he rose from his arm chair, I would appoint able judges at every avenue of my metropolis, who should take cognizance of every fools business who came there,—and if, upon a fair and candid hearing, it appeared not of weight sufficient to leave his own home and come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children, farmers sons,
&c. &c.
at his back, they should all be sent back, from constable to constable, like vagrants as they were, to the place of their legal settlements. By this means I shall take care that my metropolis tottered not through its own weight, that the head be no longer too big for the body; that the extremes now wasted, and pin'd in, be restored to their due share of nourishment, and regain with it their natural strength and beauty: —I would effectually provide that the meadows and corn fields of my dominions skould laugh and sing."
Oh excellent metaphor, cried Mr.
Profound,
(in extasy) worthy of the great pen from whence it flows! ——
"That good chear and hospitality flourish once more; — and that such weight and influence be put thereby into the hands of the squirality of my kingdom, as should counterpoise what I perceive my nobility are now taking from them."
Great—Great
Tristram!
— and see how elegantly he illustrates this immediately after.
"Why are there so few palaces and gentlemens seats, he would ask, with some emotion, as he walked across the room, throughout so many delicious provinces in
France?
whence is it that the few remaining chateaus amongst them are so dismantled, so unfurnished, and in so ruinous and desolate a condition? — Because, Sir, he would say, in that kingdom no man has any country interest to support;— the little interest of any kind, which any man has any where in it, is concentrated in the court, and the looks of the grand monarch, by the sunshine of whose countenance, or the clouds, which pass acro
s it, every French man lives or dies."
Here Mr.
Profound
made a pause, after which — he addressed himself to us —Well, gentlemen, what do you think of this great political writer—you may talk of your Machiavel's, and your Sommers's, and your Burnet's — But what are they when compared to him: how clearly he states the case when he has a mind for it, and then again when he chuses to screen himself in a kind of parable, how elegantly he does it.
"Another political reason (says
Tristram
) prompted my father so strongly to guard against the least evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the country, — was, That any such instance would infallibly throw a balance of power, too great already, into the weaker vessels of the gentry, in his own or higher stations;—which, with the many usurped rights which that part of the constitution was hourly establishing,—would, in the end, prove fatal to the monarchical system of domestic government established in the first creation of things by God."
What can he mean here, (resumed Mr.
Profound
) but pecuniary influence in elections, particularly in boroughs? and yet there is not one in a hundred takes it in that sense. I tell you, gentlemen,
Tristram Shandy
is one compleat system of modern politics, and that to understand him, there is as much occasion for a key, as there is for a catalogue to the Harleian library: I own, that I should not myself have penetrated so far as I have, notwithstanding my great reading in works of this nature, if I had not had the opportunity of supping the other evening with the author, who let me into the whole affair. I advised him to publish a key, but he told me it was too dangerous.——What is the Siege of
Namur,
which he often mentions, but the Siege of Fort St. Philip's in Minorca? — or, the wound his uncle Toby received there but the distress the nation was thrown into thereupon? His application to the study of fortification, and the knowledge he therein gained, means nothing else but the rectitude and clear sightedness of the administration which afterwards took up the reins of government. This is a master piece of allegory, beyond all the poets of this or any period whatever. There is but one fault to be found with Mr.
Tristram Shandy
as a politician—that is making
Yorick
's horse so lean—but then he
is armed at all points
—I think too he should have told us the horse was white, to have made the symbolical application: — but he did not dare declare himself so openly upon this head—he told me so. Gentlemen, (continued he) I will only read to you one passage more, and leave you to make your remarks—
"In a word, he would say, error was error, no matter where it fell, whether in a fraction or a pound—'twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wing—as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together.— He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly; and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were;—that the political arch was giving way,"
(do you observe, gentlemen, how forcibly he speaks here)
and that the very foundation of our excellent constitution in church and state were so sapped as estimators reported."
CHAP. XVIII.
WHEN Mr.
Profound
had got thus far, a fit of coughing took him, which I was apprehensive would very near have carried him off, — I waited with great patience near a quarter of an hour till he had recovered himself, in expectation of having gained from him an explanation of this passage, which he certainly would have given, notwithstanding he told us in the beginning he would leave us to our own reflecti—ons; but how unluckily mortifying was it, both for you and me, readers, that after the fit left him, there was not a sufficient number of auditors remaining to form a committee, and Mr.
Profound
went away as much out of temper with his cough as with his company. I have regularly attended the house for above a fortnight past, in expectation of meeting him, when (tears speak my grief!) I yesterday learned he died the night before — and all my hopes of an explanation of this passage are at an end.
I propose erecting here a monument to the memory of
Profound,
in the same manner as
Tristram
has to that of
Yorick.
Alas, poor PROFOUND!
I have just received the mortifying news, that my printer has never a
black copper-plate
to subjoin; but I have desired him to borrow
Tristram
's of his printer, and if he will but lend it, you may depend upon being as well
amused
and
enlightened
here, as you were in reading the
seventy third
and
seven fourth
pages of the 1st volume of
Tristram Shandy.
CHAP. XIX.
I Told you, incomprehensible readers (you know your number by this time) what a clever fellow
Profound
was, so that I hope you did not lose a word that he said; but if you think that there was only a single syllable that you did not attend to, I insist upon your returning back to the three preceding chapters, as you will swear, else, I have not fulfilled the promise of my title page,
"explaining the politics of
Tristram,
"
which can be done no other way, than in the words of my deceased friend. Friend! did I say? Yes, I repeat it, a
great friend!
and what is more and difficult to believe, a
political friend!
who has enabled me to throw such light upon our author, and clear the understandings of seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers.
CHAP. XX.
THUS much for Mr.
Tristram Shandy's politics.
CHAP. XXI.
SOME of the most comprehensible of my readers must have observed, that I have scattered very little Greek and Latin about this work, and that I have even made shift with an
English motto,
notwithstanding a classical one is so essential to the well understanding and recommending a book, even though of this consequence. —To be honest, I must own, that none of the family of the
Kunastrokius
's were any great Grecians, — and, as to
Latin,
I always found it a very saleable commodity at the
physical-market.
But if any of my readers should be desirous to divert themselves with a Greek or Latin quotation, I would advise them to read me with
Homer, Herodotus, Virgil, Horace,
and a few more of the classics by their sides, and if they understand them,
not else,
— they have nothing to do, but now and then dip into one or other of them, and please themselves, and save me a great deal of unnecessary trouble.
CHAP. XXII.
THIS chapter is intirely upon
propriety,
and must, therefore, of course, (with or without a
pun
) be a very proper chapter.
Digressions are the soul of a work, as Mr.
Tristram Shandy
has very judiciously discovered, and he has as tenaciously adhered to this discovery; — wherefore, he may, with the greatest propriety, be stiled the king of
episodical writers.
As to absurdities, it is absurd to suppose, there can be any in a work of
humour,
— true humour I mean. — I appeal to all and every one of my
incomprehensible readers,
if there be any absurdity in the work now before them: — I will answer for you all in one word — none. In regard to my friend
Tristram,
what are generally reckoned absurdities in him, are his greatest beauties — Though he
ridicules
plates and cuts by a
ridiculous
stamp, may he not, with great propriety prefix a frontispiece to his second edition? — Every one must own, that a frontispiece, when executed by a masterly hand, is an embellishment to a work; — and who can be so out of the way, as to find fault with an embellishment, which evidently inhances the value of the production?
Again, with respect to dedications.— Though that in the middle of his first volume certainly means (if any thing) a burlesque upon dedications of what nature so ever, yet we find in his second edition, he has dedicated this moral-political (not
bawdy, ludicrous,
as some may imagine it) piece, to one of the most respectable characters in
England.
— But
who
can take offence at it?
What I have said in this chapter concerning Mr.
Tristram Shandy
's propriety, sets some of the mistaken errors of that work in the clearest points of light, in which my readers (incomprehensible as they are) must certainly view them.
CHAP. XXIII.
LIKE most other writers, when I have nothing more to say, I draw near a conclusion; but as it is necessary, for several reasons which I could explain if I chose (but not having promised it in my title page I am not compelled to it,) to eke out another chapter, I must say something, if it be only to contradict what I have hitherto said;—but this I shall not do, and so continue as follows:
If, after all, I have not sufficiently cleared my friend
Tristram Shandy,
from any attacks of the false critics, for want of morals, or for any small heresy in politics: — no part of this can be laid to his charge, — as he was then
unborn,
as he still remains, in a
literal sense.
But to wave all considerations of this nature, my readers, as incomprehensible as they are, must have perceived e'er now, that
Tristram Shandy
is the most
excellent
(I was going to say —
est,
by way of a
superlative superlative,
suitable to the occasion) piece that has appeared for many years; besides, according to
Hubras,
——
— The worth of every thing, Is just as much as it will bring, — and this is the dearest production to the bookseller, if
not
to the public, that has appeared for near half a centry.
ADVERTISEMENT. TO THE NOBILITY and GENTRY OF ALL EUROPE.
AS I expect, in consequence of the foregonig work, to receive invitations on every hand for parties of pleasure, regales, dinners, and suppers — in order to prevent confusion in my engagements, and that I may not make appointments with persons I am intirely ignorant of, I beg they would, with all convenient dispatch, send their titles, names, and places of abode, with cards to my bookseller's, that I may pay compliments to them, according to their different ranks; or, where upon a footing, according to their alphabetical succession.
N. B.
Such noblemen, &c. as chuse to give me testimony of their approbation of this book, by particular marks of their beneficence, will please to take notice, that no
living,
however lucrative, can be accepted, as I am not in orders.
☞ I am particularly obliged to the managers of both the houses, whose kind intentions I already anticipate, in favouring me with the freedom of their respective theatres, and they may depend upon my paying my compliments to them in due time; — but I am afraid I cannot accept of Mr. ——— 's kind invitation to his house at
Hampton
this summer.
FINIS.