[]THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS.

ACT I. A Room.

WHY, the woman is mad! theſe curs'd news-paper patriots have ſhatter'd her brains! nothing leſs than a ſenator of ſeven years ſtanding can conceive what ſhe means.

Why, Sir Thomas, my converſation is neither deficient in order, preciſion, or dignity.

Dignity! and what occaſion for dignity in tne common concerns of my houſe? why the deuce can't you converſe like the reſt of the world? If you want money to pay off my bills, you move me for further ſupplies; if I turn away a [2] ſervant, you condemn me for ſo often changing my miniſtry; and becauſe I lock up my daugh⯑ter, to prevent her eloping with the paltry clerk of a pitiful trader, it is forſooth an invaſion of the Bill of Rights, and a mortal ſtab to the great Charter of Liberty.

As Serjeant Second'em ſaid in the debate on the corn-bill, ‘Then why don't you chuſe better ground, brother, and learn to enlarge your bottom a little? Conſider, you muſt draw the line of liberty ſomewhere; for if theſe rights belong’—

Mercy on us!

But indeed, my dear brother, you are got quite out of your depth: Woman, I tell you, is a microcoſm, and rightly to rule her requires as great talents, as to govern a ſtate. And what ſays the Aphoriſm of Cardinal Polignac? ‘If you would not have a perſon deceive you, be careful not to let him know you miſtruſt him!’ and ſo of your daughter.

Mrs. Margaret Maxwell, beſtow your advice where it is wanted! Out of my depth? a likely ſtory indeed, that I, who am fix'd here in a national truſt, appointed guardian of the Eng⯑liſh intereſt at the court of Madrid, ſhould not know how to manage a girl!

And pray, Mr. Conſul, what informa⯑tion [3] will your ſtation afford you? I don't deny your knowledge in export and import, nor doubt your ſkill in the difference between wet and dry goods; you may weigh with exactneſs the bal⯑lance of trade, or explain the true ſpirit of a treaty of commerce; the ſurface, the mere ſkimmings of the political pot!

Mighty well!

But had you, with me, traced things to their original ſource; had you diſcover'd all ſocial ſubordination to ariſe from original compact; had you read Machiavel, Monteſquieu, Locke, Bacon, Hobbes, Harrington, Hume; had you ſtudied the political teſtaments of Alberoni and Cardinal Richlieu—

Mercy on us!

Had you analiz'd the Pragmatic Sanc⯑tion, and the family-compact; had you toil'd thro' the laborious page of the Vinerian profeſſor, or eſti⯑mated the prevailing manners with the Vicar of Newcaſtle; in a word, had you read Amicus upon Taxation, and Inimicus upon Repreſenta⯑tion, you would have known—

What?

That, in ſpite of the frippery French Salick laws, woman is a free agent, a noun ſubſtantive entity, and, when treated with con⯑fidence——

Why, perhaps, ſhe may not abuſe it: But ſtill, my ſage ſiſter, it is but a perhaps; now my method is certain, infallible; by confining her, I can't be deceiv'd.

And pray, Sir, what right have you to confine her? look in your Puffendorff! tho' born in Spain, ſhe is a native of England; her birth-right is liberty—a better patrimonial eſtate than any of your deſpotic countries could give her.

Zooks, you would tire the patience of Job! Pray anſwer me this; is Harriet my daughter?

What then? for that ineſtimable bleſſing ſhe is not beholden to you; nor can you, tho' a father, with reaſon, juſtice, or law, take it from her.

Why, Margaret, you forget where you are! This, child, is the town of Madrid; you are amongſt a ſage, ſteady people, who know and revere the natural rights of a parent.

Natural rights! Can a right to tyran⯑nize be founded in nature?

Look'ee, Margaret! you are but loſing your time; for unleſs you can prevail on Count Wall, or the preſident of Caſtille, to grant you a Habeas, why Harriet ſhall ſtay where ſhe is.

Ay, ay, you know where you are; but, [5] if my niece will take my advice, the juſtice that is denied to her here, ſhe will inſtantly ſeek for elſewhere.

Elſewhere? hark you, ſiſter! is it thus you anſwer my purpoſe in bringing you hither? I hop'd to have my daughter's principles form'd by your prudence; her conduct directed by your ex⯑perience and wiſdom.

The preliminary is categorically true.

Then why don't you abide by the treaty?

Yes; you have given me powerful motives!

But another word, madam! as I don't chuſe that Harriet ſhould imbibe any more of your romantic republican notions, I ſhall take it as a great favour if you would prepare to quit this country with the firſt opportunity.

You need not have remonſtrated; a peti⯑tion would have anſwered your purpoſe: I did in⯑tend to withdraw, and without taking leave; nor will I reſide on a ſpot where the great charter of my ſex is hourly invaded! No, Sir Thomas, I ſhall re⯑turn to the land of liberty! but there expect to have your deſpotic dealings properly and publickly handled.

What, you deſign to turn author?

There's no occaſion for that; liberty has already a champion in one of my ſex: The ſame [6] pen that has dar'd to ſcourge the arbitrary actions of ſome of our monarchs, ſhall do equal juſtice to the oppreſſive power of parents!

With all my heart.

I may, perhaps, be too late to get you into the hiſtorical text; but, I promiſe you, you ſhall be ſoundly ſwinged in the marginal note.

What! now?

This inſtant.

How did he get in?

By a ladder of ropes, dropped, I ſuppoſe, by Miſs Harriet from the balcony.

That way, I reckon, he thinks to retreat; but I ſhall prevent him! Here, Dick, do you and Ralph run into the ſtreet, and front the houſe with a couple of carbines; bid James bring my toledo; and let the reſt of the fel⯑lows follow my ſteps!

Hey-day! what can be the meaning of this civil commotion?

Nothing extraordinary; only the natural conſequence of ſome of your ſalutary ſuggeſtions.

Mine, Sir Thomas?

Yes, yours, ſiſter Margaret!

I don't underſtand you.

Oh, nothing but Harriet making uſe [7] of her great natural charter of liberty, by let⯑ting young Invoice, Abraham Indigo's clerk, by the means of a ladder of ropes, into her chamber.

I am not ſurprized.

Nor I neither.

The inſtant your ſuſpicions gave her a guard, I told her the act was tantamount to an open declaration of war, and ſanctified every ſtratagem.

You did? mighty well, madam! I hope then, for once, you will approve my proceedings; the law of nations ſhall be ſtrictly obſerved; you ſhall ſee how a ſpy ought to be treated, who is caught in the enemy's camp!

Oh, here's my truſty toledo. Come, follow your leader!

Oh, Sir, I ſhall purſue, and reconoitre your motions; and tho' no cartel is ſettled be⯑tween you, take care how you infringe the jus gentium.

Are you ſure you were not obſerved?

I believe not.

Well, Mr. Invoice, you can, I think, now, no longer doubt of my kindneſs; tho', let me tell you, you are a good deal indebted for this early proof of it, to my father's ſeverity.

I am ſorry; madam, an event, ſo happy for me, ſhould proceed from ſo unlucky a cauſe: But are there no hopes that Sir Thomas may be ſoftened in time?

None: He is, both from nature and habit, inflexibly obſtinate. This too is his fa⯑vourite foible; no German baron was ever more attached to the genealogical laws of alliance than he: Marry his daughter to a perſon in trade? no! Put his preſent favourite out of the queſtion, he can never be brought to ſubmit to it.

Dear Miſs Harriet, then why will you heſitate? there can be no other alternative; you muſt either ſubmit to marry the count, or by flight eſcape from the—

No, Mr. Invoice, not till the laſt ne⯑ceſſity drives me. Beſides, where can we go? how ſubſiſt? whe will receive us?

The world is all before us where to chuſe; and, as we fly from oppreſſion, Providence our guide.

The world, Mr. Invoice, is but a cold kind of common; and, as to Providence, let [9] us firſt be ſure we deſerve its protection.—

Bleſs me! don't I hear ſome buſtle below?

Madam!

Huſh! my father, as I live! I fear, Mr. Invoice, you are diſcovered.

No, ſurely!

Have you ſecured all the poſts?

All, Sir.

Both the front and the rear?

Both.

Loſt, paſt redemption!

Then advance! now let us unhar⯑bour the raſcal!

What can we do?

Come, madam, open your doors!

The balcony, quick, Mr. Invoice, the balcony!

Unlock, Mrs. Minx! your minion is diſcovered!

A couple of fellows ſtand below, with their pieces pointed directly againſt it.

What, then, you will compel us to batter?

The whole houſe is ſurrounded! how can you eſcape?

Where will this window conduct us?

To the leads that join our houſe to the chymiſt's.

To the leads? it is but a ſtep; there is no danger.

Then inſtantly fly! you have every thing to fear from my father.

John, fetch the mattock and crow!

And leave my Harriet behind me?

Secure yourſelf, and abandon me to my fate.

No, madam, that I will never do; I'll dare your father's utmoſt reſentment.

Where is that raſcal a-loitering?

Then you are loſt!

Would my Harriet accompany my flight—

Can you deſire it?

I do, I do; my deareſt angel, I do! By all that's ſacred, your honour ſhall be as ſe⯑cure with me as in the cell of a ſaint!

But character, decency, prudence—

The occaſion, the danger, all juſtify—

Oh, what, you are come at laſt.

Determine, my life! You have but a moment—

Should you, Mr. Invoice, deceive me—

When I do, may my laſt hope deceive me!

It is a bold, a dangerous ſtep!

Fear, nothing, my love!

Drive at the pannel.

I enter my proteſt!

And I will enter the room!

Wrench open the lock!

Ay, do, at your peril!

Down with the door!

Then you ſhall all be ſwingeingly ſous'd. Produce your authority!

Mine.

You have none; not ſo much as the ſanction of a general warrant.

What, then, I ſee I muſt do it myſelf: There it goes! Pretty law indeed, to lock a man out of his own houſe!

Now, Mrs.—Heyday! what are become of the parties? vaniſhed?

Deceiv'd by your ſpies! no uncommon thing, brother, for a blundering general.

You are ſure you ſaw him come in?

Certain, Sir Thomas.

Then I warrant we will ferret them [12] out. Come, lads! let not a corner eſcape you!

I ſhall wait on your motions, and bring up the rear.

Safely landed, however.

Are you ſure you are not purſued?

Not a ſoul: Never fear! they will hardly venture this road.

What a ſtep have you induced me to take! to what diſtreſs and difficulties have I ex⯑poſed myſelf!

Baniſh your fears, and let us look forward, my love.

Nay, I have gone too far to retreat. Well, Sir, what is next to be done?

The Spaniards are naturally generous; perhaps, upon hearing our ſtory, the owner of the houſe may lend his aſſiſtance. This, I ſup⯑poſe, is the Laboratory, and this door leads to the ſhop.

Heigh-ho!

Who is that?

That! where?

Did not you hear a voice?

None. Fancy, my love; only your feats.

Heigh-ho!

There again!

I hear it now.—Who is there?

Me.

Me? he ſpeaks Engliſh! Who and where are you?

Here in this bottle; where I have been cork'd up for theſe ſix months.

Cork'd up in a bottle! I never heard of ſuch a thing in my life, unleſs, indeed, in the Hay⯑market once.—Cork'd up in a bottle, d'ye ſay?

Ay; by the maſter of this houſe, a magician.

A magician! Why then you are a ſpirit, I ſuppoſe.

You are right; I am the Devil.

Mercy on us!

Don't be terrified, Miſs: You remem⯑ber the old proverb, ‘The Devil is not ſo black as he is painted.’

Well, but, Sir—

A truce to your queſtions, my good Sir, for the preſent!—Conſider, ramm'd up in this narrow compaſs, I can't be much at my eaſe; now if you will but break the bottle before you on the floor——

For heaven's ſake, Mr. Invoice, take care what you do!

Why, my pretty Miſs, what riſque do you run? your affairs can hardly be changed for the worſe.

That's true, indeed!

Believe me, Miſs, as matters ſtand, we can be of mutual uſe: Your lover may deliver me from priſon, and I can prevent you both from go⯑ing into confinement.

What ſays my Harriet? ſhall I rely on the gentleman's word?

Do, madam! I am a Devil of honour. Beſides, you have but a little time to conſider; in leſs than five minutes, you will have the Con⯑ſul and all his crew in the houſe.

Nay, then—Pray which is the bottle?

That in the middle, right before you.

There it goes!

Oh, what a—

I am not ſurpriz'd, Miſs, that you are a little ſhock'd at my figure: I could have aſſum'd a much more agreeable form; but as we are to be a little better acquainted, I thought it beſt to quit all diſguiſe and pretence; therefore, madam, you ſee me juſt as I am.

I am ſure, Sir, you are ve—ve—very agreeable.

Yo—yo—you are pleas'd to compliment, madam.—Come, anſwer me ſincerely; am I ſuch a being as you expected to ſee?

Really, Sir, I can hardly ſay what I ex⯑pected to ſee.

I own it is a puzzling queſtion; at leaſt, if the world does us juſtice in the contradictory qualities they are pleas'd to afford us.

You will forgive me, if I don't underſtand you.

Why, for all their ſuperlative epithets, you cannot but ſee how much men are beholden to us; by our means it is that you meaſure the extent both of your virtues and vices.

As how?

As thus: In deſcribing your friends, or your foes, they are deviliſh rich, deviliſh poor, deviliſh ugly, deviliſh handſome; now and then, indeed, to vary the mode of converſing, you make a little free with our condition and country, as, helliſh dull, damn'd clever, helliſh cold; Pſha! how damn'd hot it is!

True, Sir; but I conſider this as a rhetori⯑cal figure, a manner of ſpeaking devis'd and practis'd by dulneſs, to conceal the lack of ideas, and the want of expreſſions.

Partly that, I confeſs: Not but there is ſome truth in the caſe; for at different times we [16] have the power, and do aſſume the various forms, you aſſign us.

We? I obſerve you always make uſe of the plural; is that, Sir, by way of diſtinction, or, is your family pretty large and extenſive?

Multitudinous as the ſands on the beach, or the moats in a ſun-beam: How the deuce elſe do you think we could do all the buſineſs below? Why, there's ſcarce an individual amongſt you, at leaſt of any rank or importance, but has five or ſix of us in his train.

Indeed!

A little before I got rammed in that phial, I had been for ſome time on very hard duty in this part of the world.

Of what kind?

The Daemon of Power and I had long laid ſiege to a ſubject, the man a grandee; I was then a popular ſpirit, and wore the maſk of a patriot; at different times, we poſſeſſed him by turns; but, in the midſt of a violent ſtruggle (by which means I got lame on this leg, and ob⯑tained the nick-name of the Devil Upon Sticks), the Daemon of Vanity, a low under-ſtrapper amongſt us, held over his head a circle of gold, with five knobs on the top, and, whew! flew away with our prize in an inſtant.

Under-ſtrapper! what, are there different ranks and orders amongſt you?

Without doubt.

And, pray, Sir—I hope, no offence; but I would not be wanting in proper reſpect— are you, when at home, of condition? or how muſt I—

You mean, am I a Devil of faſhion, or one of the baſe born?

I do.

I have no reaſon to be aſham'd of my family.

I don't doubt it. You will forgive me, if I make a miſtake: Perhaps, my lord Lucifer.

Who?

Lord Lucifer.

Lord Lucifer? how little you know of our folks! Lucifer a lord! Why, that's the meaneſt raſcal amongſt us.

Indeed!

Oh, a paltry mechanic! the very genius of jobbing! a mere Bull and Bear booby; the patron of lame ducks, brokers, and fraudulent bankrupts.

You amaze me! I vow I always thought him a principal agent.

He! Not at all. The fellow, indeed, gave himſelf ſome airs of importance, upon following the camp, and having the Contractors and Commiſſaries under his care; but that affair, you know, cloſed with the war.

What, then, are they now entirely out of his hands?

Yes; quite out of his: He only ſug⯑geſted their cent. per cent. ſqueezings, and prompted the various modes of extortion and rapine: But, in his room, they have ſix or ſeven Daemons a-piece, to direct the diſſipation of their ill-gotten wealth.

Indeed!

Poor Lucifer, it is all over with him! if it were not for the fluctuation of India, an occaſional lottery, or a conteſted election, the Alley would be empty, and Lucifer have as little to do as a pickpocket when the playhouſes are ſhut.

Perhaps, Sir, then your name may be Belzebub?

He? worſe and worſe! Not a devil that has the leaſt regard to his character would chuſe to be ſeen in his company: Beſides, it is the moſt petulant, waſpiſh, quarrelſome cur— But no wonder; he is the imp of chicane, and protects the rotten part of the law.

Then he, at leaſt, has employment enough.

Yes, during the Term, he has a good deal to do: He is the parent of quibbles, the guardian of pettifoggers, bad bail, and of bailiffs; [19] the ſupporter of alibi's, the ſource of ſham pleas, the maker and finder of flaws, the patron of perjury, and a ſworn foe to all trials by jury! Not long ago, though, my gentleman was put to his ſhifts.

How was that?

The law had laid hold of an old friend of his, for being too poſitive as to a matter of fact; evidence, evaſion, protraction, pleas, every art, was employed to acquit him, that the moſt conſummate ſkill could ſuggeſt; but all to no purpoſe.

That was ſtrange.

Beyond all belief; he could have hang'd a dozen innocent people, with half the pains that this paltry perjury gave him.

How came that about?

Why—I don't know—he had unfor⯑tunately to do with an obſtinate magiſtrate, who bears a mortal hatred to rogues, and whoſe ſagacity could not be deceived. But, however, tho' he was not able to ſave his friend from the ſhame of conviction (a trifle, which he indeed but little regarded), yet he had the addreſs to evade, or at leaſt defer, the time of his pu⯑niſhment.

By what means?

By finding a flaw.

A flaw! what's a flaw?

A legal loop-hole, that the lawyers leave open for a rogue now and then to creep through, that the game mayn't be wholly de⯑ſtroyed.

Provident ſportſmen! Would it not be too much trouble to favour me with this particular inſtance?

Not at all. Why, Sir, when matters grew deſperate, and the caſe was given over for loſt, little Belzy ſtarts up in the form of an able practitioner, and humbly conceived, that his client could not be convicted upon that indictment; foraſmuch as therein he was charg'd with forſwearing himſelf NOW; whereas it clearly appeared, by the evidence, that he had only forſworn himſelf THEN: If, indeed, he had been indicted generally, for committing perjury now AND then, proofs might be produced of any perjury he may have committed; whereas, by limiting the point of time to the now, no proofs could be admitted as to the then: So that, with ſubmiſſion, he humbly conceived, his client was clearly abſolved, and his character as fair and as ſpotleſs as a babe that's juſt born, and immaculate as a ſheet of white paper.

And the objection was good?

Fatal; there was no getting rid of the flaw.

And the gentleman—

Walks about at his eaſe; not a public place, but he thruſts his perſon full in your face.

That ought not to be; the contempt of the Public, that neceſſary ſupplement to the beſt-digeſted body of laws, ſhould in theſe caſes be never diſpenſed with.

In days of yore, when the world was but young, that method had merit, and the ſenſe of ſhame was a kind of a curb; but knaves are now ſo numerous and wealthy, they can keep one another in countenance, and laugh at the reſt of the world.

There may be ſomething in that.— Well, Sir, I have twice been out of my gueſs; will you give me leave to hazard a third? Per⯑haps you are Belphegor, or Uriel?

Neither. They too are but diminutive devils: The firſt favours the petty, pilfering frauds; he may be traced in the double ſcore and ſoap'd pot of the publican, the allum and chalk of the baker, in the ſophiſticated mixtures of the brewers of wine and of beer, and in the falſe meaſures and weights of them all.

And Uriel?

He is the Daemon of quacks and of mountebanks; a thriving race all over the world, but their true ſeat of empire is England: [22] There, a ſhort ſword, a tye, and a noſtrum, a month's advertiſing, with a ſhower of handbills, never fail of creating a fortune. But of this tribe I foreſee I ſhall have occaſion to ſpeak hereafter.

Well. but, Sir—

Come, Sir, I will put an end to your pain; for, from my appearance, it is impoſſible you ſhould ever gueſs at my perſon.—Now, Miſs, what think you of Cupid.

You? you Cupid? you the gay god of love?

Yes; me, me, Miſs!—What, I ſup⯑poſe you expected the quiver at my back, and the bow in my hand; the purple pinions, and filleted forehead, with the blooming graces of youth and of beauty.

Why, I can't but ſay the poets had taught me to expect charms—

That never exiſted but in the fire of their fancy; all fiction and phrenzy!

Then, perhaps, Sir, theſe creative gen⯑tlemen may err as much in your office, as it is clear they have miſtaken your perſon.

Why, their notions of me are but narrow. It is true, I do a little buſineſs in the amorous way; but my dealings are of a dif⯑ferent kind to thoſe they deſcribe.—My pro⯑vince [23] lies in forming conjunctions abſurd and prepoſterous: It is I that couple boys and beldames, girls and greybeards, together; and when you ſee a man of faſhion lock'd in legiti⯑mate wedlock with the ſtale leavings of half the fellows in town, or a lady of fortune ſetting out for Edinburgh in a poſt-chaiſe with her footman, you may always ſet it down as ſome of my handywork. But this is but an incon⯑ſiderable branch of my buſineſs.

Indeed?

The ſeveral arts of, the drama, dance⯑ing, muſick, and painting, owe their exiſtence to me: I am the father of faſhions, the inventor of quints, trente, quarante, and hazard; the guardian of gameſters, the genius of gluttony, and the author, protector, and patron of licen⯑tiouſneſs, lewdneſs, and luxury.

Your department is large.

One time or other I may give you a more minute account of theſe matters; at preſent we have not a moment to loſe: Should my tyrant return, I muſt expert to be again cork'd up in a bottle.

And hark! it is the conſul that knocks at the door; there⯑fore be quick! how can I ſerve you?

You are no ſtranger, Sir, to our diſtreſs: Here, we are unprotected and friendleſs; could your art convey us to the place of our birth—

To England?

If you pleaſe.

Without danger, and with great ex⯑pedition. Come to this window, and lay hold of my cloak.—I have often reſided in England: At preſent, indeed, there are but few of our family there; every ſeventh year, we have a general diſpenſation for reſidence; for at that time the inhabitants themſelves can play the devil without our aid or aſſiſtance.—Off we go! ſtick faſt to your hold!

ACT II. A Street in London.

WELL, my good friends, I hope you are not diſpleaſed with your journey?

We had no time to be tired.

No vehicle was ever ſo eaſy.

Then, by you mortals what injuſtice is done us, when every crazy, creeking, jolting, jumbling coach, is called the devil of a carriage.

Very true.

Oh, amongſt you we are horridly uſed.— Well, Sir, you now ſee I am a Devil of honour, and have punctually obeyed your commands: But I ſha'n't limit my gratitude to a literal com⯑pliance with our compact; is there any thing elſe for your ſervice?

Were I not afraid to treſpaſs too much on your time——

A truce to your compliments! Tho' they are the common change of the world, we know of what baſe metal the coin is compoſed, [26] and have cried down the currency: Speak your wiſhes at once.

England, Sir, is our country, it is true; but Miſs Maxwell being born abroad, and my leaving it young, have made us both as much ſtrangers to its manners and cuſtoms, as if you had ſet us down at Iſpahan or Delhi: Give us, then, ſome little knowledge of the people with whom we are to live.

That taſk, young gentleman, is too much even for the Devil himſelf! Where liberty reigns, and property is pretty equally ſpread, indepen⯑dence and pride will give each individual a pecu⯑liar and ſeparate character: When claſſed in pro⯑feſſions, indeed, they then wear ſome ſingular marks that diſtinguiſh them from the reſt of their race; theſe it may be neceſſary for you to know.

You will highly oblige me.

And at the ſame time that I am ſhewing you perſons, I will give you ſome little light into things. Health and property you know are the two important objects of human attention: You ſhall firſt ſee their ſtate and ſituation in London.

You mean the practice of phyſick and law?

I do. And as to the firſt, you will find it, in ſome of the profeſſors, a ſcience, noble, ſalu⯑tary, and liberal; in others, a trade, as mean as it is mercenary; a contemptible combination of [27] dunces, nurſes, and apothecaries: But you have now a lucky opportunity of knowing more in an hour of the great improvements in this branch of civil ſociety, than, by any other means, ſeven years could have taught you.

Explain, if you pleaſe.

The ſpirit of Diſcord prevails: The republic of tied periwigs, like the Romans of old, have turned their arms from the reſt of man⯑kind, to draw their ſhort ſwords on themſelves.

But how came this about?

To carry on the metaphor, you muſt know, in this great town, there are two corps of theſe troops, equally numerous, and equally for⯑midable: The firſt, it is true, are diſciplined, and fight under a general, whom they chriſten a Pre⯑ſident: The ſecond contains the huſſars, and pan⯑dours of phyſick; they rarely attack a patient to⯑gether; not but the latter ſingle-handed can do good execution.

But their cauſe of contention?

Pride. The light troops are jealous of ſome honours the others poſſeſs by preſcription, and, though but a militia, think they have right to an equal rank with the regulars.

Why, this in time may ruin their ſtate.

True; but that we muſt prevent; it is our intereſt to make up this breach: Already we [28] feel the fatal effects of their feuds: By neglecting their patients, the weekly bills daily decline, and new ſubjects begin to grow ſcarce in our realms.

This does, indeed, claim your attention.

We purpoſe to call in the aid of the law; bleeding the purſe is as effectual for damp⯑ing the ſpirit, as opening a vein for lowering the pulſe: The Daemon of Litigation has already poſſeſſed the Licentiates; I muſt infuſe the ſame paſſion into the Preſident; and I warrant you, in two or three terms, with two or three trials, all ſides will be heartily tired. But, a-propos! I ſee a brace of apothecaries coming this way; they ſeem deep in debate: Let us liſten; we ſhall beſt learn from them the preſent poſture of—Huſh, hide!—You ſhall here too have a proof what a Proteus I am.

I tell you, Apozem, you are but young in the buſineſs, and don't foreſee how much we ſhall be all hurt in the end.

Well, but what can be done, Mr. Julep? Here Dr. Hellebore writes me word, that they threaten a ſiege, and are provided with fire-arms: Would you have them ſurrender the College at once?

Fire-arms? If they are mad enough not [29] to know that the pen is the doctor's beſt piſtol, why, let them proceed!

But are we to ſtand quietly by, and ſee the very ſeat of the ſcience demoliſhed and torn?

And with what arms are we to defend it? where are our cannon? We have mortars indeed, but then they are fit to hold nothing but peſtles; and, as to our ſmall arms, of what uſe can they be in a ſiege? they are made, you know, to attack only the rear.

Come, come, Mr. Julep, you make too light of theſe matters: To have the lawful deſcendants from Galen, the throne of Eſculapius, overturned by a parcel of Goths!

Peace, Apozem, or treat your betters with proper reſpect! What, numſkull, do you think all phyſicians are blockheads, who have not waſhed their hands in the Cam or the Iſis?

Well, but I hope you will allow that a univerſity-doctor—

May, for aught you know, be a dunce. Beſides, fool, what have we to do with degrees? The doctor that doſes beſt is the beſt doctor for us. You talk of the College; there are ſome of their names, I am ſure, that I never deſire to ſee on my file.

Indeed!

Indeed? no, indeed. Why, there's Dr. Diet, that makes ſuch a duſt: He had a perſon of faſhion, a patient of mine, under his care t'other day; as fine a ſlow fever! I was in hopes of half making my fortune—

Yes; I love a ſlow fever. Was it nervous?

Ay; with a lovely dejection of ſpirits.

That was delightful, indeed! I look upon the nerves and the bile to be the two beſt friends we have to our back.—Well, pray, and how did it anſwer?

Not at all; the ſcoundrel let him ſlip through my hands for a ſong; only a paltry ſix pounds and a crown.

Shameful!

Infamous! and yet, forſooth, he was one of your College. Well, now to ſhew you the difference in men; but the very week after, Dr. Linctus, from Leyden, run me up a bill of thirty odd pounds, for only attending Alderman Soakpot ſix days in a ſurfeit.

Ay, that was doing of buſineſs.

Ah! that's a ſweet pretty practitioner, Apozem: We muſt all do our utmoſt to puſh him.

Without doubt. But, notwithſtand⯑ing all that you ſay, Mr. Julep, there are ſome of the gentlemen of the College, that I know—

Ah! as fine fellows as ever fingered a pulſe; not one of the trade will deny it.

But, amongſt all now, old Nat Night⯑ſhade is the man for my money.

Yes; Nat, Nat has merit, I own; but, pox take him! he is ſo deviliſh quick: To be ſure, he has a very pretty fluent pen whilſt it laſts; but then he makes ſuch diſpatch, that one has hardly time to ſend in two dozen of draughts.

Yes; the doctor drives on, to be ſure.

Drives on! If I am at all free in the houſe when old Nightſhade is ſent for, as a pre⯑paratory doſe I always recommend an attorney.

An attorney? for what?

To make the patient's will, before he ſwallows the doctor's preſcription.

That is prudent.

Yes; I generally afterwards get the thanks of the family.

What, Mr. Julep, for the attorney, or the phyſician? ha, ha!

Ha, ha! you are arch, little Apozem; quite a wag, I profeſs.

Why, you know, brother Julep, theſe are ſubjects upon which one can hardly be ſerious.

True, true; but then you ſhould never laugh loud in the ſtreet: We may indulge, indeed, a kind of ſimpering ſmile to our patients, as we [32] drive by in our chariots; but then there is a decency, not to ſay dignity, that becomes the publick deméanour of us, who belong to the faculty.

True. And yet there are times when one can hardly forbear: Why, t'other day now I had like to have burſt: I was following a fune⯑ral into St. George's—a ſweet pretty burying; velvet pall, hatband and gloves; and, indeed, the widow was quite handſome in all things; paid my bill the next week, without ſconcing off ſix⯑pence, though they were thought to have lived hap⯑pily together—but, as I was a-ſaying, as we were entering the church, who ſhould ſtand in the porch but Kit Cabbage the taylor, with a new pair of breeches under his arm: The ſly rogue made me a bow, ‘"Servant, maſter Apozem!" ſays he; "what, you are carrying home your work too, I ſee."’ Did you ever hear ſuch a dog?

Ay, ay; let them, let them—But, is not that Dr. Squib that is croſſing the way?

Yes; you may ſee it is Squib, by his ſhuffle. What, I ſuppoſe now he is ſcouring away for the College.

Who? Squib? how little you know of him! he did not care if all our tribe was tipped into the Thames.

No!

No? Lord help you! he is too much taken up with the national illneſs, to attend to particular ails: Why, he would quit the beſt patient in town, to hunt after a political ſecret; and would rather have a whiſper from a great man in the Court of Requeſts, than five hundred pounds for attending him in a chronical caſe.

Wonderful!—Who can that dirty boy be that he has in his hand?

One of his ſcouts, I ſuppoſe.—We ſhall ſee.

And you are ſure this was worked off one of the firſt?

Not a ſingle one, Sir, has been ſent out as yet.

That is daintily done, my dear devil! Here, child, here's ſixpence. When your maſter gives you the reſt, you need not be in haſte to de⯑liver them, but ſtep into the firſt publick-houſe to refreſh you.

I ſhall, Sir.

By that means, I ſhall be earlieſt to treat two or three great men that I know with the ſight.

No further commands, Sir?

None, child.—But, d'ye hear? if you can at any time get me the rough reading of [34] any tart political manuſcript, before it goes to the preſs, you ſha'n't be a loſer.

I ſhall try, Sir.

That's well! Mind your buſineſs, and go on but as you begin, and I foreſee your fortune is made: Come, who knows but in a little time, if you are a good boy, you may get yourſelf committed to Newgate.

Ah, Sir, I am afraid I am too young.

Not at all: I have ſeen lads in limbo much younger than you. Come, don't be faint-hearted; there has many a printer been raiſed to the pillory from as ſlender beginnings.

That's great comfort, however. Well, Sir, I'll do my endeavour.

Do, do!—What, Apozem! Julep! well encountered, my lads! You are a couple of lucky rogues! Here, here's a treat for a prince; ſuch a print, boys! juſt freſh from the plate: Feel it; ſo wet you may wring it.

And pray, good doctor, what is the ſubject?

Subject? Gad take me, a trimmer! this will make ſome folks that we know look about them: Hey, Julep, don't you think this will ſting?

I profeſs I don't underſtand it.

No? Why, zounds, it is as plain as a [35] pikeſtaff; in your own way too, you blockhead! Can't you ſee? Read, read the title, you rogue! But, perhaps you can't without ſpectacles. Let me ſee; ay, ‘The State-Quacks; or, Britannia a-dying:’ You take it?

Very well.

There you ſee her ſtretched along on a pallet; you may know ſhe is Britannia, by the ſhield and ſpear at the head of her bed.

Very plain; for all the world like the wrong ſide of a halfpenny!

Well ſaid, little Apozem! you have diſcernment, I ſee. Her diſeaſe is a lethargy; you ſee how ſick ſhe is, by holding her hand to her head; don't you ſee that?

I do, I do.

Well then, look at that figure there upon her left-hand.

Which?

Why, he that holds a draught to her mouth.

What, the man with the phial?

Ay, he! he with the phial: That is ſuppoſed to be—

offering her lauda⯑num, to lull her faſter aſleep.

Laudanum! a noble medicine when adminiſtered properly: I remember once, in a locked jaw—

Damn your lock'd jaw! hold your prat⯑ing, you puppy! I wiſh your jaws were lock'd! Pox take him, I have forgot what I was going to! Apozem, where did I leave off?

You left off at faſter aſleep.

True; I was faſter aſleep. Well then; you ſee that thin figure there, with the meagre chaps; he with the ſtraw in his hand.

Very plain.

He is ſuppoſed to be—

You take me?

Ay, ay.

Who rouzes Britannia, by tickling her noſe with that ſtraw; ſhe ſtarts, and with a jerk—

I beg pardon!—and with a jerk knocks the bottle of laudanum out of his hand; and ſo, by that there means, you ſee, Britannia is delivered from death.

Ay, ay.

Hey! you ſwallow the ſatire? Pretty bitter, I think?

I can't ſay that I quite underſtand—that is—a—a—

Not underſtand? then what a fool am I to throw away my time on a dunce! I ſhall miſs too the reading a new pamphlet in Red-Lion-Square; and at ſix I muſt be at Serjeant's-Inn, to juſtify bail for a couple of journeymen printers.

But, Dr. Squib, you ſeem to have forgot the caſe of the College, your brethren.

I have no time to attend their trifling ſquabbles: The nation, the nation, Mr. Apozem, engroſſes my care. The College! could they but get me a ſtiptic to ſtop the bleeding wounds of my—it is there, there, that I feel! Oh, Julep, Apozem,

Indeed, Dr. Squib, that I believe is out of the way of the College.

You underſtand me, lads!

In good truth, not I, Sir.

No! then ſo much the better! I war⯑rant little Pozy does.—Well, adieu, my brave boys! for I have not an inſtant to loſe. Not under⯑ſtand me, hey? Apozem, you do, you rogue?— ‘What ſenna, rhubarb, or—hey—can ſcour theſe Sc—’ Egad, I had like to have gone too far!—Well, bye, bye!

Why, the poor man ſeems out of his ſenſes.

When he talked of throwing phyſic to the dogs, I confeſs I began to ſuſpect him. But we ſhall be late▪ we muſt attend our ſummons, you know.

Throw phyſic to the dogs! I can tell thee, Apozem, if he does not get cured of theſe fancies and freaks, he is more likely to go to the kennel by half. Throw phyſic to the dogs! an impertinent ignorant puppy!

Well, I think chance has thrown a pretty good ſample into your way. Now, if I could but get one to conduct you—But ſtay! who have we here?

Pray, good gentleman, can you tell a body which is the ready road to find Warwick-lane?

Warwick-lane, friend? and prithee what can thy errand be there?

I am going there to take out a licence to make me a doctor, an like your worſhip.

Where do you live?

A little way off, in the country.

Your name, honeſt friend, and your buſineſs?

My name, maſter, is Laſt; by trade I [39] am a doctor, and by profeſſion a maker of ſhoes: I was born to the one, and bred up to the other.

Born? I don't underſtand you.

Why, I am a ſeventh ſon, and ſo were my father.

Oh! a very clear title. And pray, now, in what branch does your ſkill chiefly lie?

By caſting a water, I cures the jaun⯑darſe; I taps folks for a tenpenny; and have a choice charm for the agar; and, over and above that, maſter, I bleeds.

Bleeds? and are your neighbours ſo bold as to truſt you?

Truſt me? ay, maſter, that they will, ſooner than narra a man in the country. May⯑hap you may know Dr. Tyth'em our rector at home.

I can't ſay that I do.

He's the flower of a man in the pulpit. Why, t'other day, you muſt know, taking a turn in his garden, and thinking of nothing at all, down falls the doctor flat in a fit of perplexity; Ma⯑dam Tyth'em, believing her huſband was dead, directly ſent the ſexton for I.

An affectionate wife!

Yes; they are a main happy couple. Sure as a gun, maſter, when I comed, his face was as black as his caſſock: But, howſomdever, [40] I took out my launcelot, and forthwith opened a large artifice here in one of the juglers: The doctor bled like a pig.

I dare ſay.

But it did the buſineſs, howſomdever; I compaſſed the job.

What, he recovered?

Recovered? Lord help you! why, but laſt Sunday was ſe'nnight—to be ſure, the doctor is given to weeze a little, becauſe why, he is main opulent, and apt to be tiſicky—but he compoſed as ſweet a diſcourſe—I ſlept from be⯑ginning to end.

That was compoſing, indeed.

Ay, warn't it, maſter, for a man that is ſtrucken in years?

Oh, a wonderful effort!

Well, like your worſhip, and, beſides all this I have been telling you, I have a pretty tight hand at a tooth.

Indeed!

Ay; and I'll ſay a bold word, that, in drawing a thouſand, I never ſtumpt a man in my life: Now let your Raſperini's, and all your foreign mounſeers, with their fine dainty freeches, ſay the like if they can.

I defy them.

So you may. Then, about a dozen [41] years ago, before theſe here Suttons made ſuch a noiſe, I had ſome thoughts of occupying for the ſmall-pox.

Ay; that would have wound up your bottom at once. And, why did not you?

Why, I don't know, maſter; the neigh⯑bours were frightful, and would not conſent; otherwiſe, by this time, 'tis my belief, men, women, and children, I might have occupied twenty thou⯑ſand at leaſt.

Upon my word!—But, you ſay a dozen years, maſter Laſt: As you have practiſed phy⯑ſic without permiſſion ſo long, what makes you now think of getting a licence?

Why, it is all along with one Lotion, a pottercarrier, that lives in a little town hard by we; he is grown old and laſcivious, I think, and threatens to preſent me at ſize, if ſo be I practize any longer.

What, I ſuppoſe you run away with the buſineſs?

Right, maſter; you have gueſſed the matter at once. So I was telling my tale to Sawney M'Gregor, who comes now and then to our town with his pack; God, he adviſed me to get made a doctor at once, and ſend for a diplummy from Scotland.

Why, that was the right road, maſter Laſt.

True. But my maſter Tyth'em tells me, that I can get it done for pretty near the ſame price here in London; ſo, I had rather, d'ye ſee, lay out my money at home, than tranſport it to foreign parts, as we ſay; becauſe why, maſter, I thinks there has too much already gone that road.

Spoke like an Engliſhman!

I have a pair of ſhoes here, to carry home to farmer Fallow's ſon, that lives with maſter Grogram the mercer hard by here in Cheapſide; ſo I thought I might as well do both buſineſſes under one.

True. Your way, maſter Laſt, lies be⯑fore you; the ſecond ſtreet, you muſt turn to the left; then enter the firſt great gates that you ſee.

And who muſt I aks for?

Oh, pull out your purſe; you will find that hint ſufficient: It is a part of the world where a fee is never refuſed.

Thank you, maſter! You are main kind; very civil indeed!

I wiſh, maſter, you had now either the agar or jaundarſe; I would ſet you right in a trice.

Thank you, maſter Laſt; but I am as well as I am.

Or, if ſo be you likes to open a vein, or would have a tooth or two knocked out of your head, I'll do it for nothing.

Not at preſent, I thank you! when I want, I'll call at your houſe in the country.

Well, my young couple, and what ſay you now?

Say, Sir? that I am more afraid of being ſick, than ever I was in my life.

Pho! you know nothing as yet. But, my time draws nigh for poſſeſſing the Preſident: If I could but get ſome intelligent perſon, to conduct you to the place where the Licentiates aſſemble—There ſeems a ſober, ſedate-looking lad; perhaps he may anſwer our purpoſe. Hark'ee, young man!

What's your wul, Sir? would you ſpear aught wi me?

Though I think I can give a good gueſs, pray from what part of the world may you come?

My name is Johnny Macpherſon, and I came out of the North.

Are you in buſineſs at preſent?

I conna ſay that, Sir, nor that I am in⯑teerely daſtitute neither; but I ſal be unco glad to get a mair ſolid eſtaabliſhment.

Have you been long in this town?

Aboot a month awa, Sir: I launded fra Leith, in the gude ſhip the Traquair, Davy [44] Donaldſon maiſter, and am lodged wi Sawney Sinclair, at the ſign o'the Ceety of Glaſcow, not far fra the Monument.

But you are in employment?

Ay, for ſome paart of the day.

And to what may your profits amount?

Ah! for the mater of that, it is a praty ſmart little income.

Is it a ſecret how much?

Not at aw: I get three-pence an hour for larning Latin to a phyſician in the ceety.

The very man that we want.—Latin! and, what, are you capable?

Cappable! Hut awa, mon! Ken ye, that I was heed of the humanity-claſs for mair than a twalvemonth? and was offered the chair of the gramatical profeſſorſhip in the College, which amunts to a mater of ſux pounds Britiſh a year.

That's more than I knew. Can you gueſs, Sir, where your ſcholar is now?

It is na long, Sir, that I laft him con⯑ning his As in praeſenti; after which, he talked of ganging to meet ſome freends o' the faculty, aboot a ſort of a ſquabble, that he ſays is ſprang up among them; he wanted me to gang along wi him, as I had gi'n myſel to ſtudy madicine a little, before I quitted the North.

Do you know the publick-houſe where they meet?

Yes, yes; unco weel, Sir; it is at the tavern the South ſide of Paul's Kirk.

Will you take the trouble to conduct this young couple thither? they will amply reward you.—You and your partner will follow this lad. Fear nothing! by my art, you are inviſible to all but thoſe that you deſire ſhould ſee you. At the College we ſhall rejoin one another; for thither the Licentiates will lead you.

But how ſhall we be able to diſtinguiſh you from the reſt of the Fellows?

By my large wig, and ſuperior impor⯑tance; in a word, you muſt look for me in the PRESIDENT.

Adieu!

ACT III. Scene a Street.

NO; I can't help thinking this was by much the beſt method. If, indeed, they refuſe us an amicable entrance, we are then juſtified in the uſe of corroſives.

I tell you, Dr. Fingerfee—I am ſorry, d'ye ſee, to differ from ſo old a practitioner; but I don't like your preſcription at all, at all: For what ſignifies a palliative regiment, with ſuch a rotten conſtitution? May I never finger a pulſe as long as I live, if you get their voluntary con⯑ſent to go in, unleſs indeed it be by compulſion.

I entirely coincide with my very capa⯑ble countryman Dr. Sligo, d'ye ſee; and do give my advice, in this conſultation, for putting the whole College under a courſe of ſteel, without further delay.

I am much obligated to you for your [47] kind compliment, doctor. But, pray; what may your name be?

Dr. Oſaſafras, at your humble ſervice.

I am your very obadient alſho! I have hard tell of your name. But what did you mane by my countryman? Pray, doctor, of what nation are you?

Sir, I have the honour to be a native of Ireland.

Oſaſafras? that's a name of no note; he is not a Mileſian, I am ſure. The family, I ſuppoſe, came over t'other day with Strongbow, not above ſeven or eight hundred years ago; or perhaps a deſcendant from one of Oliver's drummers.—'Pon my conſcience, doctor, I ſhould hardly belave you were Iriſh.

What, Sir, d'ye doubt my veracity?

Not at all, my dear doctor; it is not for that: But, between me and yourſelf, you have lived a long time in this town.

Like enough.

Ay; and was here a great while before ever I ſaw it.

What of that?

Very well, my dear doctor: Then, putting that and t'other together, my notion of the upſhot is, that if ſo be you are a native of Ireland, upon my conſcience, you muſt have been born there very young.

Young? ay, to be ſure: Why, my ſoul, I was chriſtened there.

Ay!

Ay, was I, in the county of Meath.

Oh, that alters the property; that makes it as clear as Fleet-Ditch. I ſhould be glad, countryman, of your nearer acquaintance.— But what little ſlim doctor is that, in his own head of hair? I don't recollect to have ſeen his features before.

Nor I, to my knowledge.

Perhaps he may be able to tell me, if I aks him himſelf.—I am proud to ſee you, doctor, on this occaſion; becaaſe why, it becomes every jontleman that is of the faculty—that is, that is not of their faculty; you underſtand me—to look about him and ſtir.

Oh, by my troth, you are right, Sir: The leemiting of phyſic aw to ain hooſe, caw it a College, or by what denomination you wul, it is at beſt but eſtaabliſhing a ſort of monopoly.

'Pon my conſcience, that is a fine obſer⯑vation. By the twiſt of your tongue, doctor, (no offence) I ſhould be apt to gueſs that you might be a foreigner born.

Sirr!

From Ruſſia, perhaps, or Muſcovy?

Hutawa, mon! not at aw: Zounds, I am a Breeton.

Then, I ſhould ſuppoſe, doctor, pretty far to the northward.

Ay; you are right, Sir.

And pray, doctor, what particular branch of our buſineſs may have taken up the moſt of your time?

Botany.

Botany! in what college?

The univerſity of St. Andrews.

Pray, doctor, is not botany a very dry ſort of a ſtudy?

Moſt damnably ſo in thoſe parts, my dear doctor; for all the knowledge they have they muſt get from dried herbs, becaaſe the devil of any green that will grow there.

Sir, your information is wrong.

Come, my dear doctor, hold your palaver, and don't be after puffing on us, be⯑caaſe why, you know in your conſcience that in your part of the world you get no cabbage but thiſtles; and thoſe you are oblig'd to raiſe upon hotbeds.

Thiſtles! zounds, Sir, d'ye mean to affront me?

That, doctor, is as you plaaſes to taake it.

God's life, Sir, I would ha' you to ken, that there is narra a mon wi his heed upon his ſhoulders that dare—

Peace, peace, gentlemen! let us have no civil diſcord. Doctor Sligo is a lover of pleaſantry; but, I am ſure, had no deſign to affront you: A joke, nothing elſe.

A joke! ah; I like a joke weel enough; but I did na underſtond the doctor's gibing and geering: Perhaps my wut may not be aw together as ſharp as the doctor's, but I have a ſword, Sir—

A ſword, Sir!

A ſword! ay, ay; there is no doubt but you have both very good ones; but reſerve them for—Oh! here comes our ambaſſador.

Well, Dr. Diachylon, what news from the Col⯑lege? will they allow us free ingreſs and egreſs?

I could not get them to ſwallow a ſingle demand.

No?

Then let us drive there, and drench them.

I was heard with diſdain, and refus'd with an air of defiance.

There, gentlemen! I foretold you what would happen at firſt.

He did, he did.

Then we have nothing for it, but to force our paſſage at once.

By all means; let us march!

Friend Fingerfee, would our bre⯑thren but incline their ears to me for a minute—

Gentlemen, Dr. Broadbrim deſires to be heard.

Hear him, hear him!

Paw, honey, what ſignifies hearing? I long to be doing, my jewel!

But hear Dr. Melchiſedech Broadbrim, however.

Ay, ay; hear Dr. Broadbrim!

Fellow-labourers in the ſame vineyard! ye know well how much I ſtand inclined to our cauſe; foraſmuch as not one of my brethen can be more zealous than I—

True, true.

But ye wot alſo, that I hold it not meet or wholſome to uſe a carnal weapon, even for the defence of myſelf; much more unſeemly then muſt I deem it to draw the ſword for the offending of others.

Paw! brother doctors, don't let him bother us, with his yea and nay nonſenſe!

Friend Sligo, do not be cholerick; and know, that I am as free to draw my purſe in this cauſe, as thou art thy ſword: And thou [52] wilt find, at the length, notwithſtanding thy ſwaggering, that the firſt will do us beſt ſervice.

Well, but—

Hear him, hear him!

It is my notion, then, brethren, that we do forthwith ſend for a ſinful man in the fleſh, called an attorney.

An attorney!

Ay, an attorney; and that we do direct him to take out a parchment inſtrument, with a ſeal fixed thereto.

Paw, pox! what good can that do?

Don't be too haſty, friend Sligo.— And therewith, I ſay, let him poſſeſs the out⯑ward tabernacle of the vain man, who de⯑lighteth to call himſelf Preſident, and carry him before the men cloathed in lambſkin, who at Weſtminſter are now ſitting in judgment.

Paw! a law-ſuit! that won't end with our lives.—Let us march!

Ay, ay.

Come, Dr. Habakkuk, will you march in the front or the rear?

Pardon me, doctor! I cannot attend you.

What, d'ye draw back, when it comes to the puſh?

Not at all; I would gladly join in putting theſe Philiſtines to ſlight; for I abhor [53] them worſe than hogs' puddings; in which the unclean beaſt and the blood are all jumbled together.

Pretty food; for all that.

But this is Saturday; and I dare not draw my ſword on the Sabbath.

Then ſtay with your brother Melchi⯑ſedech; for tho' of different religions, you are both of a kidney. Come, doctors; out with your ſwords! Huzza! and now for the Lane! Huzza!

Friend Habakkuk, thou ſeeſt how headſtrong and wilful theſe men are; but let us uſe diſcretion, however. Wilt thou ſtep to the Inn that taketh its name from the city of Lincoln? enquire there for a man, with a red rag at his back, a ſmall black cap on his pate, and a buſhel of hair on his breaſt? I think they call him a ſerjeant.

They do.

Then, without let or delay, bring him hither, I pray thee.

I will about it this inſtant.

His admonition, perhaps, may pre⯑vail. Uſe diſpatch, I beſeech thee, friend Habakkuk.

As much as if I was poſting to the Treaſury, to obtain a large ſubſcription in a new loan, or a lottery.

Nay, then, friend, I have no reaſon to fear thee.

The Licentiates, Sir, will ſoon be at hand.

Let them!

We will do our duty, however; and, like the patricians of old, receive with ſilence theſe Viſigoths in the ſenate.

I am not, Dr. Calomel, of ſo pacific a turn: Let us keep the evil out of doors, if we can; if not, vim vi, repel force by force.— Barricado the gates!

It is done.

Are the buckets and fire-engine fetched from St. Dunſtan's?

They have been here, Sir, this half-hour.

Let twelve apothecaries be placed at the pump, and their apprentices ſupply 'em with water!

Yes, Sir.

But let the engine be play'd by old Jollup, from James-ſtreet! Not one of the trade has a better hand at directing a pipe.

Mighty well, Sir.

In the time of ſiege, every citizen ought in duty to ſerve.—Having thus, brothers, pro⯑vided a proper defence, let us coolly proceed to our buſineſs. Is there any body here, to demand a licence to-day?

A practitioner, Mr. Preſident, out of the country.

Are the cuſtomary fees all diſcharged?

All, Sir.

Then let our cenſors, Dr. Chriſtopher Camphire, and Dr. Cornelius Calomel, intro⯑duce the petitioner for examination.

After this duty is diſpatch'd, we will then read the College and Students a lecture.

Firſt, let me lay down my ſhoes.

Let the candidate be placed on a ſtool. What's the Doctor's name?

Emanuel Laſt, Mr. Preſident.

Dr. Laſt, you have petition'd the Col⯑lege, to obtain a licence for the practice of phyſic; and though we have no doubt of your great ſkill and abilities, yet our duty compels us [56] previouſly to aſk a few queſtions: What aca⯑demy had the honour to form you?

Anan!

We want to know the name of the place, where you have ſtudied the ſcience of phyſic.

Dunſtable.

That's ſome German univerſity; ſo he can never belong to the College.

Never; oh, no.

Now, Sir, with regard to your phyſio⯑logical knowledge. By what means, Dr. Laſt, do you diſcover that a man is not well?

By his complaint that he is ill.

Well replied! no ſurer prognoſtic.

None ſurer.

Then, as to recovering a ſubject that is ill—Can you venture to undertake the cure of an ague?

With arra a man in the country.

By what means?

By a charm.

And pray of what materials may that charm be compos'd?

I won't tell; 'tis a ſecret.

Well replied! the College has no right to pry into ſecrets.

Oh, no; by no means.

But now, Dr. Laſt, to proceed in due form; are you qualified to adminiſter remedies to ſuch diſeaſes as belong to the head?

I believe I may.

Name ſome to the College.

The tooth-ache.

What do you hold the beſt method to treat it?

I pulls 'em up by the roots.

Well replied, brothers! that, without doubt, is a radical cure.

Without doubt.

Thus far as to the head: Proceed we next to the middle! When, Dr. Laſt, you are called in to a patient with a pain in his bowels, what then is your method of practice?

I claps a trencher hot to the part.

Embrocation; very well! But if this application ſhould fail, what is the next ſtep that you take?

I gi's a vomit and a purge.

Well replied! for it is plain there is a diſagreeable gueſt in the houſe; he has opened both doors; if he will go out at neither, it is none of his fault.

Oh, no; by no means.

We have now diſpatched the middle, and head: Come we finally to the other extremity, [58] the feet! Are you equally ſkilful in the diſor⯑ders incidental to them?

I believe I may.

Name ſome.

I have a great vogue all our way for curing of corns.

What are the means that you uſe?

I cuts them out.

Well replied! extirpation: No better method of curing can be. Well, brethren, I think we may now, after this ſtrict and impar⯑tial enquiry, ſafely certify, that Dr. Laſt, from top to toe, is an able phyſician.

Very able, very able, indeed.

And every way qualified to proceed in his practice.

Every way qualified.

You may deſcend, Dr. Laſt.

Secretary, firſt read, and then give the doctor his licence.

"To all whom theſe preſents may come greeting. Know, ye, that, after a moſt ſtrict and ſevere inquiſition, not only into the great ſkill and erudition, but the morals of Dr. Emanuel Laſt, We are authorized to grant unto the ſaid doctor full power, permiſſion, and licence; to pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, doſe, drench, purge, bleed, bliſter, cliſter, cup, ſcarify, ſyringe, ſalivate, couch, flux, ſweat, [59] diet, dilute, tap, plaiſter, and poultice, all per⯑ſons, in all diſeaſes, of all ages, conditions, and ſexes. And we do ſtrictly command and enjoin all ſurgeons, apothecaries, with their appren⯑tices, all midwives, male, female, and nurſes, at all times, to be aiding and aſſiſting to the ſaid Dr. Emanuel Laſt. And we do further charge all mayors, juſtices, aldermen, ſheriffs, bailiffs, headboroughs, conſtables, and coroners, not to moleſt or intermeddle with the ſaid doctor, if any party whom he ſhall ſo pill, bolus, lotion, po⯑tion, draught, doſe, drench, purge, bleed, bliſter, cliſter, cup, ſcarify, ſyringe, ſalivate, couch, flux, ſweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaiſter, and poul⯑tice, ſhould happen to die, but to deem that the ſaid party died a natural death, any thing ap⯑pearing to the contrary notwithſtanding. Given under our hands, &c. Hercules Hellebore, Cornelius Calomel, Chriſtopher Camphire.

Then, if a patient die, they muſt not ſay that I kill'd him?

They ſay? Why, how ſhould they know, when it is not one time in twenty that we know it ourſelves?—Proceed we now to the lecture!

Bre⯑thren, and ſtudents, I am going to open to you ſome notable diſcoveries that I have made, re⯑ſpecting the ſource, or primary cauſe, of all diſ⯑tempers [60] incidental to the human machine: And theſe, brethren, I attribute to certain animalculae, or piſcatory entities, that inſinuate themſelves thro' the pores into the blood, and in that fluid ſport, toſs, and tumble about, like mackrel or cod-fiſh in the great deep: And to convince you that this is not a mere gratis dictum, an hypo⯑theſis only, I will give you demonſtrative proof. Bring hither the microſcope!

Doctor Laſt, regard this receiver. Take a peep.

Where?

There. Thoſe two yellow drops there were drawn from a ſubject afflicted with the jaundice.—Well, what d'ye ſee?

Some little creatures like yellow flies, that are hopping and ſkipping about.

Right. Thoſe yellow flies give the tinge to the ſkin, and undoubtedly cauſe the diſeaſe: And, now, for the cure! I adminiſter to every patient the two-and-fiftieth part of a ſcruple of the ovaria or eggs of the ſpider; theſe are thrown by the digeſtive powers into the ſecretory, there ſeparated from the alimentory, and then preci⯑pitated into the circulatory; where finding a pro⯑per nidus, or neſt, they quit their torpid ſtate, and vivify, and, upon vivification, diſcerning [61] the flies, their natural food, they immediately fall foul of them, extirpate the race out of the blood, and reſtore the patient to health.

And what becomes of the ſpiders?

Oh, they die, you know, for want of nutrition. Then I ſend the patient down to Brighthelmſtone; and a couple of dips in the ſalt-water, waſhes the cobwebs entirely out of the blood. Now, gentlemen, with reſpect to the—

Sir, Mr. Forceps, from the Hoſpital.

The Hoſpital! is this a time to—

Well, Forceps, what's your will?

To know, Sir, what you would have done with the Hoſpital patients to-day?

To-day! why, what was done yeſterday?

Sir, we bled the Weſt ward, and jalloped the North.

Did ye? why then, bleed the North ward, and jallop the Weſt to-day.

Now, I ſay, brethren——

The Licentiates are drawn up at the gate.

Who leads 'em?

They are led on by Sligo: They de⯑mand inſtant entrance, and threaten to ſtorm.

Doctors Calomel and Camphire, our two aid-de-camps, ſurvey their preſent poſture, and report it to us.

Huzza!

Bid old Jollup be ready to unmaſk the engine at the word of command.

Now, Dr. Camphire?

The ſledge-hammers are come, and they prepare to batter in breach.

Let the engine be play'd off at the very firſt blow!

Huzza!

Now, doctor?

The firſt fire has demoliſhed Dr. Fin⯑gerfee's foretop.

That's well!

Now, doctor?

The ſecond fire has dropped the ſtiff buckles of Dr. Oſaſafras.

Better and better!

Now, doctor?

Both the knots of Dr. Anodyne's tye are diſſolved.

As Dr. Sligo, with open mouth, drove furiouſly on, he received a full ſtream in his teeth, and is retired from the field, dropping wet.

All is loſt! Dr. Sligo, recruited by a bumper of Drogheda, is returned with freſh vigour.

The ſiege ſlackens; Dr. Broadbrim, with ſerjeant Demur, are arrived in the camp.

Serjeant Demur has thrown this manifeſto over the gate.

Ha! ‘Mid⯑dleſex to wit. John Doe and Richard Roe.’ It is a challenge to meet 'em at Weſtminſter-Hall; then we have breathing-time till the term.

Now, doctor?

I have forgot my ſhoes.

Oh!

The Licentiates file off towards Fleet-Street.

Follow all, and harraſs the rear! leave not a dry thread among them. Huzza!

Well, my young friends, you will now be naturally led to Weſtm— Oh!

Bleſs me, Sir, what's the matter? You change colour, and falter.

The magician at Madrid has diſcovered my flight; and recalls me by an irreſiſtible ſpell: I muſt leave you, my friends!

Forbid it, Fortune! it is now, Sir, that we moſt want your aid.

He muſt, he will be obeyed. Here⯑after, perhaps, I may rejoin you again.

But, Sir, what can we do? how live? what plan can we fix on for our future ſupport?

You are in a country where your talents, with a little application, will procure you a proviſion.

But which way to direct them?

There are profitable profeſſions, that require but little ability.

Name us one.

What think you of the trade with whoſe badge I am at preſent inveſted?

Can you ſuppoſe, Sir, after what I have ſeen—

Oh, Sir, I don't deſign to engage you in any perſonal ſervice; I would only recommend it to you to be the vender of ſome of thoſe in⯑fallible remedies, with which our newſpapers are conſtantly crouded?

You know, Sir, I am poſſeſſed of no ſecret.

Nor they either: A few ſimple waters, [66] dignified with titles that catch, no matter how wild and abſurd, will effectually anſwer your purpoſe: As, let me ſee now! Tincture of Tinder, Eſſence of Eggſhell, or Balſam of Broomſtick.

You muſt excuſe me, Sir; I can never ſubmit.

I think you are rather too ſqueamiſh. What ſay you, then, to a little ſpiritual quackery?

Spiritual?

Oh, Sir, there are in this town mounte⯑banks for the mind, as well as the body. How ſhould you like mounting a cart on a common, and becoming a Methodiſt Preacher?

Can that ſcheme turn to account?

Nothing better: Believe me, the ab⯑ſolute direction of the perſons and purſes of a large congregation, however low their conditions and callings, is by no means a contemptible object. I, for my own part, can ſay, what the Conqueror of Perſia ſaid to the Cynic; ‘If I was not Alexander, I would be Diogenes:’ So, if I was not the Devil, I would chuſe to be a Methodiſt Preacher.

But then the reſtraint, the forms, I ſhall be obliged to obſerve—

None at all: There is, in the whole catalogue, but one ſin you need be at all ſhy of committing.

What's that?

Simony.

Simony! I don't comprehend you.

Simony, Sir, is a new kind of canon, deviſed by theſe upſtart fanatics, that makes it ſinful not to abuſe the confidence, and piouſly plunder the little property, of an indigent man and his family.

A moſt noble piece of caſuiſtical cookery, and exceeds even the ſons of Ignatius! But this honour I muſt beg to decline.

What think you then of trying the ſtage? You are a couple of good theatrical figures; but how are your talents? can you ſing?

I can't boaſt of much ſkill, Sir; but Miſs Harriet got great reputation in Spain.

Oh, Mr. Invoice!—My father, Sir, as we ſeldom went out, eſtabliſhed a domeſtic kind of drama, and made us perform ſome little muſical pieces, that were occaſionally ſent us from England.

Come, Sir, will you give us a taſte of your—juſt a ſhort—te ti te tor.

I muſt beg to be excuſed, Sir; I have not a muſical note in my voice, that can pleaſe you.

No? Why then, I believe we muſt [68] trouble the lady: Come, Miſs, I'll charm a band to accompany you.

Exceedingly well! You have nothing to do now, but to offer yourſelves to one of the houſes.

And which, Sir, would you recommend?

Take your choice; for I can ſerve you in neither.

No? I thought, Sir, you told me juſt now, that the ſeveral arts of the drama were under your direction.

So they were formerly; but now they are directed by the Genius of Inſipidity: He has entered into partnerſhip with the managers of both houſes, and they have ſet up a kind of circulating library, for the vending of dialogue novels. I dare not go near the new houſe, for the Daemon of Power, who gave me this lame⯑neſs, has poſſeſſed the pates, and ſown diſcord among the mock monarchs there; and what one receives, the other rejects. And as to the other houſe, the manager has great merit himſelf, with ſkill to diſcern, and candor to allow it in others; but I can be of no uſe in making your bargain, for in that he would be too many for the cunningeſt Devil amongſt us.

I have heard of a new playhouſe in the Haymarket.

What, Foote's? Oh, that's an eccentric, narrow eſtabliſhment; a mere ſummer-fly! He! But, however, it may do for a coup d'eſſai, and prove no bad foundation for a future engage⯑ment.

Then we will try him, if you pleaſe.

By all means: And you may do it this inſtant; he opens to-night, and will be glad of your aſſiſtance. I'll drop you down at the door; and muſt then take my leave for ſome time. Allons! but don't tremble; you have nothing to fear: The public will treat you with kindneſs; at leaſt, if they ſhew but half the indulgence to you, that they have upon all occaſions ſhewn to that Manager.